A sign of Aspergers in pre-school aged girls is asking many existential/ philosophical questions. For the most part I was a queit kid so I asked most of these questions in my head. When I was 4, my grandmother was dying. When I asked my mom where she was going she said "Heaven". The only images I had of Heaven in my head was from movies depicting it as being a place in the clouds somewhere above the atmosphere. I started to think of all the ways that would be possible. My default way of thinking is very literal, so the first thing that popped into my head was an image of grandma in her rocking chair being levitated to the sky. That seemed too ludicrous so I let my mind ponder a little longer on that one.
Some questions I asked myself we're less deep, but still thought-provoking. People have different tastes but does food actually taste differently to different people? Two people can eat the same thing and one will like it, while the other won't. When it came to colours, I never wondered why the sky was blue but I did wonder if everyone saw the colour blue the same way. What if my blue is your purple?
My fourth grade teacher had just finished teaching us about Adam and Eve, and then moved on to a lesson on how the first humans evolved from primates. Someone spoke up and asked how she could teach two lessons that contradicted themselves. The teacher explained that as a Catholic school, she taught both theories and that it was up to us to decide which one to believe. That just confused me more.
While the male autistic mind is more focused on understanding the physical world, the autistic female mind tends ponder more on the metaphysical questions (but can be vice-versa or both). The older I got, the more "I don't know" answers I'd get, because my questions got deeper and more complex. An "I don't know" answer will never satisfy an autistic mind. We have to know why and will find out why.
"In the autistic world, there is a reason for everything and everything has a reason."
- Alis Rowe
Autistics miss the forest for the trees because our minds focus on details. This narrow focus is a double-edged sword because while we may struggle to see the bigger picture, we can see details most will miss. While the other kids were building sandcastles, I was passing my hand through the sand to watch every particle fall through my fingers. Observing every grain's unique shape, colour, and size entertained me for hours. To this day, I still find comfort in repetitive actions such as reading, writing, and thinking. This is fine. However, I need to ensure my thinking stays positive. Otherwise, I will start wondering why the sky is grey.