Motherhood and autism are not mutually exclusive; there's a reason we survived throughout evolution after all. That being said, it's not without admitting that like every other tasks, parenting will be more challenging for those on the spectrum (as though it isn't challenging enough for neurotypicals). There are NT and autistic people alike who choose to have large families, and within both neurologies there will be good and bad parents. Success and failure is not based on something's level of difficulty, but on individual abilities, resources, and self-knowledge.
If I do become a mother one day, it will be to one child (two max). Of course if I'm blessed with twins or triplets I'd have no choice to make it work but as of now, my options are open. Coming to the conclusion that I didn't want many kids happened over time and wasn't easy, especially that it was a deal-breaker for my latest courtship.
I'm not sure if it's because I was never a normal child myself, but I've always felt estranged to children. Procreating isn't something I've seriously contemplated until relatively recently. This week has felt like the universe has been throwing maternal instincts at me left and right. I was at a small coffee shop in Toronto last Sunday sitting by the window. A small child walked by and the moment she glanced at me she flashed me the biggest smile. My heart fluttered. A few days ago a baby walked up to me at a bookstore and started playing with my sunglasses and phone. Those were probably the first times I felt an actual connection to a mini human. I can't even explain it. I kind of tilted my head sideways and thought "Aw, they're our future. The future is so cute and innocent. They're blank slates that we are responsible for, and should guide them properly."
I'm feeling more self-aware of who I am and my wants have become clearer. I don't know yet if/when/what/how many offsprings I see in the near or far distance, but it brings me consolation to know that I can bond with our future.
"The best way to predict your future is to create it."
- Abraham Lincoln
I'm tired of living in the past.