I blissfully came back from my break today and was excited to tell my coworkers all about the amazing BBQ lunch I had. They were all standing in a circle. The mood was sombre. I knew something happened to someone we worked with and was just waiting for them to say the name. I lost it. I completely lost it. I felt guilty. I wondered if I could have done anything if I knew they were struggling. The person was loved by everyone.
I spent the rest of the afternoon talking with a coworker to process what happened. Our talk eventually evolved into me dishing out every terrible thing that's ever happened in my life. Things that I'll never write about. Thank God I have a great sense of humour to help me get through the hard parts of life because otherwise I'd be a wreck.
"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I was talking about the darkest things with the biggest smile on my face. I couldn't stop laughing. These same things used to give me nightmares, flashbacks, and deep sorrow. The person I was talking to said "Margo, you have someone watching over you. I don't know how you're still alive and thriving but clearly you were meant to be here right now."
It's no secret that I've been suicidal before, but what most people don't know is that I've been suicidal my whole life. Even more surprising is that the happier I appeared, the sadder I was. Female aspies are actrices; our greatest talent is fooling everyone but ourselves. When I reached the peak point of my depression, I asked myself if I wanted to die or kill the parts of me I didn't like.
"If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living."
I realized that the parts of me I hated weren't even the real me. It was what happened to me that I hated. What happened to me resulted in false pieces of Margo. I killed the parts of myself everyday that I couldn't stand; the fake me. Now I'm building on the new me, the real me. I used to be afraid that the world could never accept me for who I really am. Then I decided that it didn't matter. I was going to create a space for Margo whether the world wanted her or not. I know who I am. I know my value. Everyone has value, they just need to discover it for themselves.
I think today was the wake up call I needed to remind me to be exceedingly kind to everyone because you never know what someone is going through. It's also going to push me to write more often because I've been told that my blog has helped people get through difficulties, and that was always it's only purpose.