Anyone who knows me well knows that banal things make me laugh the most. Someone being silly can have me laughing nonstop making others wonder how something so ridiculous can be so entertaining. What excites most people bores me: sports, clubs/bars, beaches, the high life, and car toys. I need something deeper in my life: meaning. Everyone needs meaning but not everyone actively pursues it. I've been feeling very unfulfilled and unaccomplished for the longest time. The autistic in me is afraid of change, the unknown, and failure. I kept making excuses to myself about how I have a functional routine going on in my life and that I shouldn't mess that up. I was stuck somewhere between comfortable and unchallenged. It's a very blah place to be.
Friend/author/scholar: If you could do anything at all in the world, what would you do?
Me: Go back to school.
That's when I realized that the only thing that could ever make me happy was by continuing to grow. Someone told me a while back that when I find what it is that's meant for me, I'll know. I've been flirting with the idea of going back to school for years now, but like a wedding dress, my choice of program has to be THE ONE. I recently came across an undergrad title I hadn't seen before. Something clicked, it was like Eureka! I'm thinking 'I've been searching for you my whole life!'. It instantly created a domino effect of ideas in my mind from what graduate/ phd level education that could lead to, to projects I could create and books I could write afterwards.
I stayed behind today at the office and sent in my university application. There's still room in my program of choice so I will find out in a few weeks if I got accepted. I don't want to get my hopes up but I'm feeling pretty confident about my likelihood of being accepted. I'll keep you posted! I won't say what school or program it is to create some illusion of privacy in my blog, and to keep some mystery. What I will tell you is that one day I will master my special interest and use that mastery to create something that is meaningful.
There's no man, amount of money, or worldly comfort that can replace the satisfaction my special interest gives me. I mean, if God sends any of those as a blessing along the way, that's cool, but I need to immerse myself in my world to be happy. I can't make someone else happy if I'm not happy. The love of my life, my one and only, is my passion. I have to follow it.