Strong independent lady. That's what someone called me yesterday. When I observe myself from the outside, I realize that I've become exactly type of woman I didn't like. She intimidated me. She challenged me. She was everything I thought I could never be. A strong independent lady. Some days I feel like that, some days I don't. I'll admit that it's scary paving a path along other aspie women in unknown territory. It feels like I've jumped out of an airplane without a parachute. Then again, my entire life has felt like a constant free fall so what's an extra jump?
Sometimes I enjoy the fall, sometimes it makes me panic. I deleted few blog posts this week out of anxiety; the pieces that got the best responses. I put them in my blog's draft folder but will probably repost them later on after a few edits, or save them for when I compile my writings for a book. A fellow advocate and page admin told me that his most controversial work has always been his most successful ones. When I write, I try to think: "is this helping my audience?"..."is this how I want the world to see me?". I do think my writing gives a unique insight into my world. I'm not trying to paint myself as anything other than who I am, but I do want to be a positive role model.
Like I stated on my main page, I'm "untamed", but I'm still I'm trying to be on my best behaviour. People too easily develop opinions and often misinformed ones that can take years to change. An online post can be misread so easily. I'm developing an image and I've had the self cringe over posting something too personal, but that's what people know me for. Raw honesty. When people read my blog, they're reading me. I've seen personal adversity and have found my version of success. I've doubted myself my whole life as autistic women often play an act rather than being themselves. I used to be a compilation of different people's personalities. It's hard to be confident when you don't know who you are. I'm finally learning who I am, independent from exterior influences. No matter what you put out in the world, some will like it, some will dislike it, and some won't care. I want the people who like me like the real me.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."
- Kurt Cobain
I'd rather be independently thinking than dependently acting.