The thing with trauma is that certain details can get distorted when you try to remember them. I rewrote a blog post from last week to make it more accurate. It's not a proud moment in my life that I wish hadn't happened. There's a seemingly small detail that I edited that actually highlights a huge flaw in how society treats one another. I'm only sharing my story to help prevent this from happening to other girls. High intelligence can go hand in hand with naivety. Aspie girls are incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of because of their trusting nature and lack of social support; they are perfect targets. Some of my posts are cautionary tales.
My weak spot is a smile. I was always a very smiley kid but developed a more stoic expression with age due to rejection but anytime someone flashes me a genuine smile, I go weak. It's a purely platonic reaction. Not a lot of kids were nice to me but this ONE girl in particular always gave me the warmest smiles and always smelled lovely. Double threat. I couldn't resist and felt comfortable around her immediately. I never name people in my blog for discretion, so let's just call her Chanel.
When I was 15, Chanel contacted me out of the blue asking me if I wanted to hang out with her friends. It was the first time I was invited to hang out with a group of people. Someone actually wanted my company! I didn't hesitate to agree. I was excited. We met up at a mall, and that's when she told me her friends were guys. I didn't want to seem "uncool" so I played it cool and said "okay". We got into their cars. There were TWO of them. They were both very smiley with perfect white teeth. Oh yeah, and they were also thirty years old.
One drive led to another and the next thing I knew we snuck into a club. By the time we left, I couldn't walk in a straight line. I told them to drive me home. They said they would drive me home and asked for my address. I didn't want them knowing where I lived so I gave them the closest cross-street. I closed my eyes in the backseat for what felt like THREE seconds. I woke up looking out the window to see my surroundings, but all the street names were in French. I wasn't at home, I wasn't even in my city. I asked them where we were. Their smiles turned into a grin and told me we were stopping at their apartment for a moment.
Chanel told me not to worry because they were nice guys. I walked in with her thinking we'd sit and laugh but she left me to go alone in a room with one of the guys. I was livid. I wanted to tell her that her behaviour was rude but I couldn't find the words. The other guy started sliding his hand on my thigh. I pushed his hand away at least FOUR times. He never made me feel threatened because he was short and scrawny. I figured if push came to shove, I could take him on. His grin turned into a smirk.
The next thing I knew, Chanel came out of the room screaming at the top of her lungs. The guy she was with came in after her yelling at her to be quiet. I couldn't make out what she was saying. It was nonsensical. She mumbled something about the number five. She eventually got a hold of her tongue and said "There were FIVE of you. How could I have wanted it?!". He grabbed her by her hair and banged her head against the wall repeatedly telling her it was her fault. It was at this point that I stopped feeling. I went numb. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't even sad. I felt nothing. Chanel fell to the ground and he kicked her in the stomach. He looked in my direction and the other guy pointed at me and said something around the lines of "She's a good girl. We can get in a lot of trouble with this one." They ran off. They never laid a finger on me. Something changed in me that night. I forgot how to smile.
Two years later, I was working at a voting station as a registration officer greeting responsible citizens at the door. My heart stopped when I noticed the same two men walk through the doors. I felt sorry for them. I don't know why, but I did (a trait of autism in girls is feeling sorry for people who have persecuted her/or others). They didn't recognize me. I almost didn't recognize them either. There was something different about them. They weren't smiling; they didn't need to.